Free, Free, Free!!!!!

My incredibly talented sister is having another give away for her AWESOME store. I just have to ass on the news. Go to her blog at http://scarycutecreations.blogspot.com/ to enter, and also find the stinkin cutest stuff. You can also visit her store at http://www.etsy.com/shop/scarycute. I promise that you will be glad you did. But hurry fast, it all ends Sunday night :(

Seeing Clearly

Decota had another appointment with her eye specialist today. Everything is looking GREAT! For some reason her pressure was up again to a 22, but after running several tests he did not seem to be concerned about it. He said her eye was quiet and looked perfect, what does that mean: no inflammation cells to speak of. Her vision has been back to 20/20 since May. Her methotrexate has been dropped down a level since July. She seems to be doing great and on the downhill side of things. We are hoping to be able to keep her healthy, her stress levels down, and have a good report in November. We will go to her eye Dr in the morning, and the hospital that same afternoon, so we are very hopeful that we will have a good report and be able to decrease it down another level then. Between now and November are very critical months. If she stays stable she is most likely going into remission and we have combated most of the inflammation cells. We both have our hopes up. We both feel very positive. I just hope we don't have any set backs, but if we do we will survive. For now we wont even think about that, and we will just celebrate how far we have come. Barely any vision back to 20/20! Once again Decota is my miracle child :)

(bitter)Sweet Relief

Last night I was released form my calling as 2nd counselor in the Young Women's program. I knew it was coming for awhile. It has almost been a joke in our house as to how long I could postpone the inevitable, but the day finally came. It is with very mixed emotions I leave this calling. I will miss my Mia Maids SOOOOOOOO much. They are a great group of girls, and I really love being with them. Even their silly little teenage problems will be missed because it helps keep me young and in touch with teenage reality. I will miss (most of) the leaders that I have had the opportunity to work with and get to know. I will especially miss my super, wonderful camp buddies who helped me and the girls survive camp. Their leadership, helpfulness and inspiration were such key elements to making camp the wonderful experience it was. They have also become dear friends, and I will miss the weekly interaction with them. Not only did they make me a better leader, they made me feel like a better person than I really am. I am really going to miss them. But the hardest part of leaving my calling is leaving my girls. I love seeing how they react to the lessons. I love knowing what they have been taught and having the opportunity to talk to them about it on a more knowledgeable level. Decota was months away from being in my class, and I am sad to not get that chance to be with her. I know I will only be losing a couple of hours a week with them, but it seems like such an important time to get to be with them. I will really miss those sweet moments.

As soon as I walked out of the classroom with the bishopric member last night my kids rushed me and asked if I had been released. When I told them yes they kind of chuckled (out of knowing that it was going to happen sooner or later), and then a second later their faces fell with the realization of what that meant. As much as they pretend to get sick of me, I know that they really like me around. Declan then said, with a very upset face, "Does that mean you can't go to the Stake Dance in September?" This dance is a tri-stake dance that our ward is in charge of. Declan and his friends and the Mia Maids have been begging me to come to a dance. I promised them that I would come to the one in September and dance the night away with them. Some of the kids that do not go to dances were going to come with us because we were planning to be the life of the party. Now Declan was telling me that he didn't want to participate in the dance anymore. At first I was going to let Decota come with us (she is SOOOOO much fun at dances), because it would have less than a month until her birthday and I thought it would be great for her to participate in the planning and organization of a stake dance. I was quickly shot down by the YW President in a letter to me, copied to everyone else, saying that she was not invited and that she would not be ready until she turned 14. I completely disagree, but I kept my mouth shut and told Decota she could not attend. Now that Declan thought both Decota and I could not go, he was not going to go either. I quickly reassured him that I could be a parent chaperon (although I will probably have to go through the YM side to be one) and that I would be there anyway. As we drove home the kids quickly started going through the list of all of the things that I could no longer do with them, and I felt bad for a second, and then I reminded all of us all of the things I got to do with them that most moms don't, and of all of the things I still get to do with them on a non-mutual basis. By the time we got home I think we all felt better.

To be honest in some ways it is a huge relief. I have so much that I am helping with for my kids and all of their soccer teams, dance lessons, practices, school sports and such, not to mention all the running around I do for seminary, school and the extras. I need to make a big push for my business this fall, and every time I sat down to do it I seemed to have something for YW staring me in the face and I ended up doing that instead. I have a lot of opportunities to serve the boys on Declan's team, and I know that will be quite consuming. I will have the constant worry of a whole group of girls off of my back (but really, do you ever completely stop worrying about them- I think not), and be able to be more focused on my own children. We have some pretty hefty family goals set up for this year. We are well on our way to having the Book of Mormon read individually by the end of the year, and as a family by the end of the school year. While it is going well now, I am sure it will be like pulling teeth at some point. I also have Cambria in pre-AP math, Decota in 4 pre-AP classes and an honors class, and Declan in 3 pre-AP and 1 AP class. I know that my mom motivation plate will be full. Rodney also has a lot of things on his mind and on his plate, and will have some big decisions to make over the next few months.

I think (no I know ) that the most relief I will feel will be in not having to deal with the constant frustration of working with someone that I just do not understand and that does not understand me. It is pretty bad when you can not read an e-mail from someone without having to walk away and cool down out of frustration. I do not deal well with people that want to be in charge, but don't want to be responsible for any resolutions, and don't want someone else to come up with a resolution instead. I just do not work well if you can not address the problem, and I am going to be glad to have that problem gone from my life. I just hope that my children no longer feel like they are being picked on and nagged at because they are my kids. Hopefully now this crazy, uncomfortable cloud in the air can pass. I think that of all relief that I will gain, this will be the most welcome and the most satisfying.

So while I once again turn in my Young Women's folder I can honestly say it is a bitter-sweet relief.

Back to School Shopping

Back to school shopping- not something I am really that fond of. I deal just fine with getting the new jeans, shirts, underwear and socks- but it is the supplies that almost push me over the edge!!!! Today was our dreaded school supply shopping day. I had a list for Decota, a list for Cambria, and a pretty good idea for Declan (at least enough of one to get him started) so off we went to the Happiest Place On Earth (NOT) WALMART. As we walked through the isles adding more and more junk to the cart, the more and more irritated I seemed to get. Not at my kids mind you, but at the stinking schools. Over 2/3 of the stinking lists were things for the teachers: Sharpies, Expo Markers, Scotch Tape, Play-Dough (seriously, for 8th grade), reams of copy paper, and a plethora of other things for my kids to turn into their teachers on the 1st day of school. Funny that I paid $6000 in property taxes this year, the majority of it going to the school district, yet I still have to stock the teachers classrooms. Then, on top of that, all of the regular supplies I buy like pencils, pens, papers, markers, spiral notebooks, graph paper, erasers, colored pencils, glue and stuff like that also get turned into the teachers to be redistributed at their discretion. What does that mean, out of the $250 on school supplies that I bought for my kids they will get to keep a binder, a pack of paper, 2 pens, 2 pencils and a notebook. The rest they rarely ever get to have redistributed to them so when they need refills I have another supply of supplies waiting at home. There just seems to be something wrong with this system-right?

Football

UGH!!!!!
Why is it exactly that I have come to HATE football so much? It is not that I entirely hate the game. I will admit that it is not that exciting to me. It is a long drawn out game that moves about as fast as a slug and there is rarely a moment of excitement in it for me; however, at the same time I do not mind going and people watching, I enjoy cheering in those few and far between moments that something spectacular actually happens, and it can be fun to be a fan of a team. So why does my skin start to crawl as soon as football season starts. Well the answer is pretty easy: RODNEY. It would be OK if his OCD just got rid of all of the other crazy things he does and he could be entirely focused on football, but alas that is not how it is. He just adds one more thing to obsess about. The last thing I want to hear at breakfast, lunch, dinner, when I am in the shower, when I lay my head down at night, or even when I am siting on the toilet is what he thinks the Cowboys could or should have done better. I just feel like having a recorder playing at my side all the time saying "seriously, do you really think I care?". I guess I could just grin and bear it if it also did not come with the attitude. Heaven forbid someone is engulfed in a show and he wants to watch some TiVoed football game. He will meanly, and I am seriously meanly, tell you to "hand over the remote right now! The show that is on is stupid and I have a game to watch. I don't care if there are only 4 minutes left, I have a football game to watch. You can finish some other time." And the worst is that it isn't even me he is talking to, it is the kids. If there is a game during church he either magically becomes sick, is so late that we leave him and he never shows up, or he does go and complains and is mean to everyone at church the whole time. Anytime a game is on he expects me to just run around and serve him whatever he wants while he sits on the couch- and after he has started being mean to everyone (yeah right!). Then the kicker is when he wants to have friends over and have me cook and clean for everyone while he sits around and is rude. And one more thing- Who needs to TiVo and watch every football game in the WAY TO LONG season AND pre-season for every team?????? I used to enjoy football. OK, maybe not necessarily football, but at least the chance to just chill while a game was on, sit and hang out together, and people watch if I was there. I didn't mind spending a few hours a week just being with him while he did something he enjoyed. Now it honestly makes my skin crawl to hear the announcers voices. I leave the room entirely and find something, anything else to do. And so do the kids for the most part. It is a cardinal sin to sit in the same room and chit chat while there is a game on, you know you might miss some important "who gives a crap" fact about some random person who did something 100 years ago in football.

I have GOT to find a way to make it through this season!

• I guess 1st and foremost Rodney and I have got to sit down and talk and put some limits and expectations on how much he watches football.
• He will have to understand how much his attitude has affected how our family feels about this sport.
• We will need to decide how he wants to watch football- alone or with others- and what that entails.
• He will have to limit his talking to me about it, and when he does I will have to smile kindly and nod my head like I care.
• I need to also have a commitment from him that football is second to more important things, and I will have to understand that football is first compared to some of my stupid things.
• I will have to have a more positive attitude about it and support him in his moderate football watching.
• I will sometimes sit by him while he watches (even if I am reading a book) and make him feel like he is not completely alone.

I did buy him a neat Cowboys tie the other day that is blue on one side and white on the other (for home and away) so he can wear it to church on game day. Maybe I'll even be nice tonight and grab a book and go sit by him while he sits in there alone watching the TiVoed game from earlier tonight, even after he just ripped all of our heads off about how fast we handed over the remote.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. How many more weeks to the Superbowl?

And for now I wont even think about Hockey!!!!

PS- Although it does not sound like it, I have not been rude to him and have had another great attitude day. All of my crabbiness has been directed to the computer, not him. How's that for biting my tongue- I just can't seem to bite my fingers ;)

Does that make me CRAZY??????

Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy. Today for instance, it is 107 degrees outside, the humidity is horrid, and I am the only stupid parent sitting outside watching my child practice on the soccer field. Sometimes I think "Why am I not in the comfort of my car with the A/C turned on?", "Why am I not running errands while they practice?", "Why do I spend so much time and money on their sports and activities?", "Why do I feel so guilty because I am sitting watching one child's scrimmage on one field while the other gets no attention paid to them on the other field during practice?", "Why do I take the time to arrange my life so that I can drag everyone around to 90% of everything anyone does instead of just letting Rodney take the kids here or there while I stay at home with the others?". I could give you a plethora of answers to each of those questions, but the plain old truth is I DON'T WANT TO MISS A MINUTE. I want them to know we made the extra efforts for them. I want them to do what they love and feel supported in it. No one complains about being together and going to their siblings things, so if we have the opportunity to do it why not be together? I constantly feel like I am seeing the sand slip through the hourglass at a faster pace than it is supposed to, and I want to make sure I have a memory in my heart as each one of those pieces of sand hits the ground. I want them to never question they were loved. If tomorrow never came, I want them to know all I did was for them. So as I sit out in unbearable heat and sweat like a pig I have a hard time even complaining when I know I have been given a wonderful gift to be able to be with them so much. It might be the heat affecting my head, or I might just be crazy, but crazy is something I am happy to live with :)

And just like that- I think I'm in love

The black hole that I feel like I am in sometimes is not quite so black anymore when I find I have others who understand how I feel and may even be sitting in it next to me. Oh, I am so glad to know I am not the only one who ever feels that way :) That in itself makes life easier to bear sometimes. Not in the way that "misery loves company", but in the way that is "I am human". I love it when people gently remind me to open my eyes, and help me realize that whole is not really black, but instead a plethora of colors. Luckily, Rod and I had a nice chat and both of us really feel a lot better now. It is good to take the time to realign goals and assess where we both stand and where we want to be, both individually and as a team. I love those moments where I feel a little bit twitterpated because I see the mind and soul of the man I love. And I am very happy to report that I just finished day two of a very awesome attitude! And so once again, the skies have cleared and the storm has passed until there is another breakdown in the atmospheric pressure!

Pleading the 5th

You know the old saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Well it is one of those weeks where I feel like I just need to plead the 5th and SHUT UP! It is crazy because I have had a great time with the kids. It has been so nice to have them home. I seem to be a very happy person, and the my husband walks in- and now I will plead the 5th. It is amazing how one little thing, or in his case a bigger thing, can set me on a downer course. I look at my children and try very hard to push it aside for their sakes. He gripes enough, and harps enough, and says enough mean things for the both of us- but unfortunately pleading the 5th does not always come easy for me and my big mouth can get me in trouble. So, like most Sunday's and the start of the new week, I find myself recommitting to do better, to be more patient, to endure to the end, to put a smile on my face even when I don't fell like smiling, to not say anything if I can't say something nice, and to just plead the 5th and keep my mouth shut more often. I have been married long enough to know that THIS TO SHALL PASS- right?