Yesterday Rodney and I had to have the good old "Life's Not Fair" speech with Decota. This is a particularly hard speech for me to give her because she has had to deal with so much more than I ever had to as a child. However, the weekends seem to be progressively getting worse in terms of her attitude. She HATES to have her shot on Friday night, yet up until school started she was being so good about just getting it over with. I don't know if all of the nerves from starting school again and getting to know her teachers and the schedule is to blame, but for some reason she is putting up more of a stink on Friday night. Don't get me wrong, she is not vomiting uncontrollably and balling up in a corner anymore, I think we have passed that stage. She is just being a little more feisty about having to have her shot. In order to help her look forward to something after it, Rodney and I have tried to have sleepovers or some fun activity with friends that night or the next day. Yet every week the attitude seems to get worse. She takes out her anger on anyone who is around by being mean, snotty, or belittling them- and that is not the typical Decota. Rodney and I have had to talk with her every weekend about her attitude. By Sunday we were done being nice. Cambria and Decota had headed over to their friends house to see if they wanted to go on a bike ride with them. Soon they both came home upset, Cambria with skin scratched off her arm and Decota with a fat lip. They actually started duking it out at the neighbors! As we talked to the girls Cambria became remorseful and Decota became more hateful. I could see the anger building up inside her and I knew that she felt like a dark hand was squeezing her insides, I have felt it myself. When we finally got her to talk about her feelings she bawled about how unfair life was, how mad she was that she had to be different, and how nobody understands what she is going through. This, of course, breaks a mothers heart. Who wants their child to be in pain, to feel different, or to feel alone. She acts out towards me more than anyone else because I am the one that makes sure she has all of her meds every day. I am the one that gives her her shot. She wants me to feel as bad as she does- I totally understand. I also know that she knows I am the one that is fighting so hard to get her better. I will not let her give up and suffer with a worse quality of life. I am the one that cleans up her puke every week and then makes her whatever she wants to fill up her stomach. I know that she realizes this, and is still mad- I totally understand. I wish I could make it all better, but I can't- and once again tough love proved the way to go. Siting around feeling sorry for yourself does not help anything. Decota is not a whiner- she is a fighter. Sometime we all need little reminders of who we are. As Rodney and I dove head first into the speech, we reminded her of all that she has to be grateful for. We reminded her of people that have had it worse. We reminded her of how attitude makes all of the difference, and examples of people that have made a difference because of their attitude. We reminded her of situations that were much worse than hers. In the end she walked out of the room with a changed attitude and a grateful heart (thanks so much to Rodney, he has a talent for saying the right things).
Today when Decota came home from school she immediately wanted to talk. She told me about a boy that I have worked with that is labeled "emotionally disturbed". Decota has him in one of her classes this year, and he can be quite a handful at times- but he is such a neat child when you get to know him. Today in class he was pulled out of class, and when he returned he had a smile on his face and a black trash bag. Some of the kids kept asking him what he had, and he kept telling them nothing. Decota said it got to be very annoying and that she finally told the kids to mind their own business. When the kids still would not stop pestering him he got very frustrated and blew up. He started yelling and pulling the items from his bag, which happened to be full of clothes. "The bag is full of clothes. Why? Because I am too poor to be able to afford anything. My dad was a drug addict and OD'd on crack and died and left my mom with all of the kids and bills and no money. We can't afford food, let alone clothes. Can't you tell by the way my clothes are way to small and full of holes. Don't you see that my shoes have holes in the bottom of the soles. The teachers are trying to get me clothes that fit so I can look like everyone else!" Decota said that all of the students got real quiet and the teacher had to come calm him down. She was very teary eyed as she told me, "He is a neat person, mom. He is a smart kid when he wants to be. His life is not fair. Mine is not so bad." What a lesson!
5 comments:
Poor Decota. The rest of us can only imagine how hard it must be for her sometimes, and I remember as a teenager ALWAYS feeling that way - that no one understood and knew how I felt - so I can't imagine how much she must feel that way. (We actually learned about that in my child development class - something in a teen's hormones and brain actually makes them feel and think that way. Oh, the joys of being a teenager.) Decota really is a fighter and a trooper for all she's been through though. Hang in there, mom. :) I don't have great words of advice since I haven't been a mom yet, but just hang in there.
I think y'all did a great job talking to Decota and then the next day she got a life lesson that set it in. Poor kid, I can understand how she would feel so frustrated. By the way, you are an awesome Mom!
I can't believe the girls duked it out!! It stinks what Decota has to go through physically, but it seems like it's taking it's tole emotionally too. She is tough, and you guys are doing a great job. Hopefully in a few years this will simply be a character builder, and no more treatment will be needed. Hang in there you are all doing great!!
P.S. I feel bad for children like that little boy, and it doesn't help that children are cruel. I feel like my biggest job as a parent is to teach my children compassion, because I think there will always be children with troubles like that. Thank goodness Decota has a sweet spirit, and felt the need to defend him from the other children.
I hope I can be half the mom you are! It is so fun to watch your kids grow up, and I feel so blessed to have been put at the bottom of the family so I could watch and see how you raise your children and so I can try and copy what you do. my heart just breaks for that boy. I was always drawn to those kids growing up, and it sounds like Decota is being a great friend just by sticking up for him
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